The royal wedding of Prince Harry and his fiancée, American actress Meghan Markle, has captured the attention of the entire world (or at least exactly two of my friends).
To call this wedding’s hype a little insane would be an understatement, and honestly, we aren’t that interested in royal weddings. But royal wedding outfits? Well, cheer-i-o.
We were on pins and needles waiting to find out what Prince Harry would wear for his big day. Where would he stack up amongst the British nobility of nuptials past? How does one even decide, when it comes to kingly grooms, whose outfit takes the crown? Easy. We friggen ranked them.
Now that we’ve seen this prominent ginger’s royal wedding outfit, we can definitively say whether he secured a spot in the top 10 of all time. Many of these outfits (including Harry’s) are military uniforms, but we will not be discussing what they signify, because please, please chill. We’re stupid American know-nothings, so we can only judge these looks visually—no disrespect intended.
Okay, now that we’ve pre-apologized, let’s courteously rank the hell out of these dudes. Because nothing is better than polite British competition.
10. Captain Mark Phillips (1973)
We know that Captain Mark Phillips owns at least one medal, but instead of wearing the thing for his wedding to Anne, Princess Royal, he allows himself to be upstaged—at his own royal wedding—by a child in a tartan kilt. His helmet, however, is fantastic. More wedding helmets, please.
9. Antony Charles Robert Armstrong-Jones, 1st Earl of Snowdon (1960)
Your first impression is correct: Lord 5-Names should rank higher. The reason this well-clad cat does not ascend to the throne (of our list) is simple: He was allegedly a prolific lover, and boy to boy, that threat-level-midnight libido makes it difficult to hold eye contact with his photo for long enough to properly rate him. I’m told he looks great. (Tidbit: His marriage to Princess Margaret, sister of Queen Elizabeth, was the first televised royal wedding. We owe all of this to Antony and Margaret.)
8. Prince William, Duke of Cambridge (2011)
Okay, if you’re going to wear a Sauron’s eye-red uniform, at least adorn it with 3+ medals. The pants are too long (take those to Savile Row, buddy, amiright?). Grooming is fine, but the Duke’s true saving grace is what you cannot see: the spurs he is wearing. Spurs. At his wedding. You cannot pull that off, but he did.
7. Charles, Prince of Wales (1981)
More military garb from the House of Windsor, but this is working. Dark coat and pants, gold accessories (including three medals, thank you very much), and a striking pop of blue. But, c’mon, take off the gloves. Afraid you’ll leave fingerprints on your royal saber? #DoubleEntendre
6. David Beckham, Officer of the Order of the British Empire (2018)
Hear me out. No, David Beckham did not wear this to his wedding, and he’s not technically (or at all) royalty. But he did wear this to someone’s royal wedding. And by god, if this outfit doesn’t make him royalty, nothing can. (Okay, there may be one other way.)
5. Charles, Prince of Wales (2005)
This is so much better, Chuck! Understated waistcoat, subtle piping on the tailcoat, and a well-folded, carefully-chosen pocket square. The signet ring is a sneaky power move. Whoever tailored this get-up knew what they were doing—coat sleeves and trouser hem are just right. But the Prince of Wales could really use that sword from his previous engagement—methinks the creature on Camilla’s head has spotted him.
4. Prince Henry, Duke of Gloucester (1935)
Are those patent leather boots? And get a load of that moustache! The groom, Prince Henry, is giving us Freddie Mercury realness, but like… a version of the Queen frontman that couldn’t sing or dance or ignite my soul with sound.
3. Charles Edward, Duke of Albany and Saxe-Coburg and Gotha (1905)
Not all heroes wear capes. Sometimes, they wear curtains at their historic weddings. Also working in Edward’s favor: he was the Duke of 3 different places, including Albany. If memory serves me correctly, that’s in New York, which is impressive. BTW, clear your cache right now because your browser is officially haunted.
2. Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex (2018)
Prince Harry with the subtle flexes. His uniform is made of doeskin—a fabric so luxurious they named it for the softest possible leather. (With the eyes of the world on you, you want to be comfortable. That 100% merino wool helps.) His outfit includes a white buckskin leather belt—we can assume the Duke also had a hearty breakfast of venison and antler shavings on the morning of his wedding—and a shock of red on each pant leg. Red stripe + red hair is always a gamble, but it paid off.
Finally, that beard. Look, I had to argue with my mother for a solid 4 months about whether I’d keep my beard for my wedding—this poor bastard had to argue with the Queen of the United Kingdom. That shows some serious jewels.
1. Prince Michael of Kent (1978)
Behold his majesty (is that right?) absolutely slaying white tie. There’s obviously a lot to be said for simplicity. Spot that timepiece on his wrist? Get him to the Wiener Rathaus on time.
Well, it was a lot of fun starting my day ugly crying for 63 solid minutes. While it would have been a crowning achievement for Prince Harry to top our list, he should feel good taking #2 so early in the day. Best of luck to the happy couple, and Harry, if you’re ever in the States and need a suit—not a Suits actress (boom)—let us know.