You don’t have to be a sitcom writer to tastefully toast your friend on their big day. Professional bridesmaid Jen Glantz provides a few hard-earned insights to help you raise a glass right.
When the DJ announces it’s time for wedding toasts to begin, the inner-workings of my brain are thinking two very important things. One, why did I not bring ear plugs? Two, how quickly can my butt launch out of this fine-dining chair and over to the open bar, where I’ll order a double, and then another double?
Most wedding toasts, whether from a best man or a groomsman, aren’t worthy of being replayed on Comedy Central or Barstool Sports for their laugh-out-loud jokes or spot-on creativity. Many are quickly forgotten for their rambling stories and awkward length, making them feel 10-12 minutes too long.
I go to a lot of weddings, because it’s my job as a professional bridesmaid. Not only do brides hire me to be their bridesmaid, but they also hire me to write the speeches for their maid-of-honor or their fiancé’s best man.
In my three years on the job, when I wasn’t the head-writer for these toasts, I’ve seen members of the wedding party deliver speeches that were too long, too raunchy, too generic, or too strange, forcing brides, grooms, and even once, the DJ, to grab the microphone away from these people.
In a speech I wish I could forget (but probably never will), a best man spent 75% of his toast recounting every single ex-girlfriend of the groom, in vivid detail, describing everything from how they met to how he eventually dumped her, all while the bride sat back in utter shock.
So when it’s time for you to grab a glass of champagne, and speak words of wisdom to the groom, the person he’s marrying, and an audience of their closest friends and family, here are three ways to make sure you don’t bomb.
1. Ditch the Inside Jokes
If you’re going to remember one thing when writing your toast, please remember this: you are not just talking to the groom while the two of you are hanging out at a bar, or shooting some hoops. You’re giving a speech to an audience of 100-something people who would rather be digging their forks into their steak. Talk to them. Skip the inside jokes or stories that require a 2-3-minute set-up to be told so that everyone in the room can understand what’s going on. Instead, focus on your relationship with the groom, his relationship to the person he married, and a few funny-yet-audience-appropriate memories along the way.
2. Be Careful When Bringing Up the Past
Even if one of your favorite stories of the groom involves him, a hot tub, and a bottle of Tequila on spring break, surrounded by women the two of you never saw again, leave it out of the speech. You’ve been tasked with representing the groom and giving a speech on his behalf. Crack a joke or two about him, but for the most part, shine a good light on him as a person. Ditch the stories from your past that might have made you wonder if he would ever be husband material for anyone.
3. Keep to Your Time Limit
If no one has given you a time limit for your speech, set one for yourself. The shorter speeches are usually the ones that get instant audience approval, so keep your speech under three-minutes long. If you’re set on winging it or coming up with something to say on the spot, reconsider. The less prepared you are for your toast, the more you’ll find yourself rambling on and making eye contact with guests giving you the stink eye.
If you feel the pressure to give the most epic best man speech ever, take a step back and have fun with what you say. But keep it organized, to the point, and double check it to make sure you’re not offending anyone (well, anyone important), or making anyone in the room roll their eyes out of sheer boredom.
Jen Glantz is founder of Bridesmaid for Hire and author of the Amazon best-selling books All My Friends are Engaged and Always a Bridesmaid for Hire.